My name is Self Composting Festival Toilet. But you can call me Stinky As Fuck.
I’m great for the environment because none of the shit inside me is pumped out into the ocean. I make festival organisers feel really great about themselves because they can tell their friends they are being what’s called ‘socially responsible’. I’m a bit sad though, because the festival organisers don’t often sit on me to do poos. I think they’re cheating on me with that perfumed bitch Portaloo.
Anyway, at least I make the 16,000 paying campers feel great about their environmental contribution. At least they appreciate what I’m doing. They even pay upwards of $400 to spend 4 days with me! I’m such a lucky Self Composting Festival Toilet! But their dedication doesn’t end there! Oh no! They drive 5 hours down the Great Ocean Road in their rapidly deteriorating 1988 Toyota Corolla, they wait patiently for 3 hours to get in the gates and they even set up an eight man tent on a 35 degree angle and end up spooning with Davo. And they do all this just so they can wait in a giant line to rip off their pants and shit all over someone else’s shit. Oh the joy!
But their benevolence doesn’t end there. Oh no. When they’re inside me, making a large steaming contribution to the environment, they still have the energy to read about other responsible ways to behave. I would have thought that shitting on someone else shit (also known as ‘Double Dropping’) would be all the environmental responsibility one could handle – but no! They sit, shit and read about the saint-like repercussions of placing a brick in your cistern.
Well, that’s about enough outa me. Hope to see you next year!
All the best,
Stinky As Fuck